Saturday, August 4, 2012

Fred Willard's Guide To The Summer Olympics

*sponsored by Budweiser and Trojan* cuz they go so well together!

Hello sports fans, Fred Willard, here. Suddenly I find myself with a lot of extra time these days as network television has found me untouchable, due to my touchableness. So I thought I would write a guide to the Olympics as I'm a brutish lout that understands the wide world of sports and you don't.
You can't avoid the damn things, they're everywhere, (well, except in gooey adult theatres, which is really why i was there) and there's no sense in you trying to learn or follow them all, so I'll tell you all you need to know.
So grab a bud and stick a trojan in your pocket cuz here we go.

First, let's eliminate the silly ones;
archery-reason-who gives a rats ass if some douche bag has had nothing better to do for the last ten years but shoot arrows at his apple tree. These people have serious anger issues.
track and field-reason-if they ain't runnin away from a fat cop with asthma it's no fun.
badminton-there is no good minton, and what the hell is a minton anyway? I hated this at eight, but now that they're cheating it might be worth a look. But then again, they're cheating to lose. Is it any wonder?
basketball-reason-this ain't been worth watching since the men switched to shorts ten sizes too big and the women followed suit. Besides, who cares if the USA wins by 40 points or 82, you know they're gonna win.
boxing-reason-a sport that died when mixed martial arts came along, except no one told them, and mud wrestling hasn't been sanctioned yet, but i'm still hoping.
(be right back, I gotta drain the ol lizard)

canoe/kayaking-reason-you have to be really hungover on a Sunday morning to watch this shit.
cycling-reason-see archery and substitute sanity for anger
equestrian-reason-you kiddin me? This one's for the 1%ers only. The pot's too high in this game, and the women are dressed like constipated bankers.
fencing-reason-only if they use real swords. It's like watching a Western shootout with squirt guns.
soccer-reason-3 to 1 is a high scoring game, and I've only seen one girl rip her top off. Just follow Hope Solo's tweets, and maybe she'll rip her shorts off to one-up Brandi.
woman's gymnastics-reason-you'll feel like a pervert watching way under dressed girls who all look like they're twelve years old, and i'm already in trouble for doin what i swear i never did.
men's gymnastics-reason-your gaydar will make you wear the same dirty wife beater for a month.
handball-reason-wtf? people still do that? it's a sport? wtf?
sailing-reason-i thought that's what lazy rich people do?
field hockey-reason- i worked too hard to get out of it in 9th grade.
swimming and diving-reason-only if there's sharks and reefs involved.
shooting-reason-only if it's at each other

well, there's a bunch more, but what's the point. None of them are worth watching, except-
woman's beach volleyball!
Now there's a sport. Agility and aero dynamics are so important that the women must wear the least amount of clothing possible. (did you see the design on the bottoms of the Chinese team? holy man!) These women are true athletes in a true sport. They must dig, and spike and set, and-hey! didja see that shot? I sure did! None of them look like they're twelve and most of them look like Nicole Kidman. Not that that's important mind you. It's all about the sport.
This Olympics aren't so good however as it get's cold in England and they've taken to long sleeve shirts, but God bless their warrior souls, they're such troopers that they're sticking with those tiny bottoms even though it gives em goosebumps. What devotion!
But don't bother with men's beach volleyball. They're not nearly as athletic and they have more money than you and never worked a day in their lives.
Regular volleyball? only if beach volleyball isn't on. They don't wear bikini bottoms but close enough.

So go grab a cool one and sink that lazy-boy deep. As long as you stick to my guide, you'll wish it never ends. And if you're from Canada, don't even bother. I think they sent like five people and last i checked, they had as many medals as khazakistan or however the hell you spell it. Canucks are still celebrating the 200 year anniversary of that goofy 1812 war that saved them from having to see Romney and Obama during every commercial.
Lucky bastards!