Monday, November 26, 2012

The Results Are In

well, it's confirmed
I took the Shlitzenbauer and Meinkouf test
and the results are in
-I'm crazier than bat shit

I shoulda knowed it
when my long time therapist
hung up his shingle
to become a tattoo artist
three doors down from the Hell's Angels

but no, I needed a second opinion
and after ten minutes of ink blots
she threw the cards in the air
and said,
"What the fuck's a matter with you?
none of those answers are in the book!"

I shoulda knowed it in sixth grade
when Sister Laurel broke down in tears
and said,
"You're the devil's spawn, Richard!
God's no match for you."

I shoulda knowed it my senior year
when I handed the principal
my 117th absence note
written by me, and he just winked
and said,
"You just take as much time off as you need, Son"

I shoulda knowed it when my poor demented mother
lay dying, with tubes running out her nose
and shit running down her leg
and said,
"You know, you just ain't right, boy."

I shoulda knowed it a thousand times
a thousand ways
by the looks in their eyes
by the ways mother's prayed
when I looked at their daughters

I'm nuttier than planters
fruitier than a Florida grove
loopier than a Disney roller coaster
and the Germans in Cosmopolitan
just proved it.